AKA A Guardsmare Of Half Height And Double Spirit Finds Love Twice As Tall And Thrice As Strong: A Reverse Gender Roles Equestria Story of Epic Proportions And Minuscule Stature
Special thanks to Comfy, Uh-hmmm, Ephemeral, ScribblesAnon, APA, HotKinkajou, LaP, Rot, Editfag, QoC, Bobbles, and Shu for prereading/editing help.
And and super special thanks to NigNogs for the top tier fan art, and de facto cover art, which can be viewed here: ponybooru.org/images/33009?q=artist%3Anignogs

>You are the groggy and somewhat annoyed Cut N. Paste.
>Slowly prying your eyes open, you’re greeted by the sight of your clock proudly stating it’s four AM.
>Aw mare!
>You were /really/ hoping that wouldn’t be the case.
>Dejected, you let yourself slump back into your pillow.
>It's not all bad you guess, the dream that just got interrupted wasn’t exactly a good one.
>Anon was just about to put on what he thought was Daring Do and the Temple of Baboons but was actually just another of your parents’ pornos.
>...maybe waking up was a blessing.
>Come to think of it, the DVD’s case was the one straight out of your traumatic foalhood memory of seeing yourself conceived.
>Ugh, the thought of that makes you grimace.
>Yeah, definitely a blessing.
>Well, no reason to keep staying awake.
>Might as well close your eyes and drift away...
>... or at least you try to do that until some movement to your side snaps your eyes right back open.
>Arg!
>You barely suppress the annoyed whine building in your throat.
>You shouldn’t be surprised, this occurs every few nights.
>You’ve got to get used to sleeping with other ponies already!
>If you keep waking up every time one of your partners shifts, you’ll never get an uninterrupted night’s sleep.
>The longer you lay there though, the more apparent it becomes that whoever’s next to you isn’t just shifting.
>Rolling over, you take a look at- oh sweet Celestia!
>It's Anon, and something’s wrong!
>He’s tossing and turning... guess you weren’t the only one having a nightmare.
>You’ve got to do something!
>But what!?
>Uh uh uh!
>No reason not to try the tried and true!
>Timing it just right, you slide your hooves around him without getting whacked in the face and proceed to pull him into a tight hug.
>At first you were worried it wasn’t going to work, but the longer you held him, the more he seemed to calm down.
>Though he only truly stops squirming when you feel Pike wrap her hooves around him as well.
>Leaning up to look over Anon and to her, you were curious to see if his restlessness woke her up too.
>But no, apparently sleeping Pike was just hankering for some hugs.
>Great timing!
>Now with Anon thankfully settled, it's easy to just drift away...


>When you next come to, the sun is shining through your window and the smell of breakfast is in the air!
>Mmmmm, what a way to wake up!
>Wait a minute, you can see the windows.
>That’s right where Anon’s head should be!
>If Anon’s gone, but there’s still a pony wrapped in your forelegs, then that means—
>”Mmmm, squeeze me tighter, Anon~”
“Pike?”
>Pike’s eyes shoot open as she looks up at you.
>”Cut!?”
>She quickly forces her way out of your hooves, scrambling backwards in an attempt to put some distance between you and her.
>Unfortunately she puts a little /too much/ distance between the two of you, and before you can warn her she’s fallen right off the side of the bed with an “EEEE!”
“Pike!?”
>She recovers almost immediately, her head popping back up over the side of the bed while she rubs a spot she likely just bumped on the way down.
>”I’m fine, just uhhh, *ahem* forget I said that.”
>You chuckle into your hoof as you nod.
>It makes sense, after all, being held tight by your coltfriend isn’t very marely, but it sure feels nice...
>”Wait,” says Pike with sudden concern, “if we’re both in here, then who's cooking?”
>Oh no.
>In an instant, both of you turn your ears toward the kitchen.
>Holding for a few moments, you listen for anything out of the ordinary.
“Well... I don’t hear the fire alarm.”
>”Or any cursing,” adds Pike.
>Taking a few experimental sniffs, you don’t smell anything burning either.
“Maybe we’re just being too hard on him?”
>Pike herself is looking... proud?
>”I suppose he had to learn eventually.”


>You are Nocturnal Pike, and you are beaming with pride.
>After all this time, the lessons have finally paid off.
“Anon, this is amazing!”
>Arrayed before you is quite the breakfast spread.
>Eggs, bacon, Prench toast, pancakes, even some sausage!
>And Anon’s standing over it all, beaming at your praise.
>”I figured I’d put all those lessons to good use and treat my favorite ladies!”
>Cut pauses, midway through piling stuff on her plate.
>>”Ladies? But we’re not royalty...”
>You gently elbow Cut in the ribs and roll your eyes.
>>”Oh! It's like a human thing! Uhhh, your efforts are appreciated, m’lord!”
>Before your hoof has even made it to your face, Anon has started laughing.
>”Hahaha, thanks for the /tip/, Cut.”
>Cut’s face turns red at the implication.
>>”H-hey! I’ll have you know, I’ve never owned a sun hat! Even though I may have wanted one... at one point...”
>Oh no, Cuuuuut!
>You shake your head at the mare, hoping she understands the profundity of her sin.
>”Ha! Actually, now that I think about it, you’d look pretty cute in a wide-brimmed sun hat.”
>Cut scrunches her face, and you do too.
“Really?” you both ask in unison.
>”What!?” he asks defensively, “think about it, she’d look great!”
>Deciding you didn’t want to wait a moment longer, you begin cutting into your Prench toast.
“Okay Mr. /Alien/, next you're going to tell me I’d look good in a fly mask!”
>He stops for a moment, probably trying to picture just that.
>”*Snirk* Okay, okay. You’ve made your point.”
>After that, the conversation quiets as the three of you begin eating in earnest.
>And you must say, you are impressed!
>Nothing’s burned, things that would need seasoning are seasoned well. Even the sausage seems like it has a little something special added. 
>As you continue to eat though, you realize more and more that something is off.
>Not with the food, but with Anon.
>Every so often his eyes will pass over your and Cut’s plates, always lingering on one a little longer than the other.
>Whenever this happens, his brow furrows and occasionally he’ll mutter something under his breath.
>”/Is/ her’s bigger? No, no. Wait...”
>You ignore it at first, but after the fifth or sixth time, it becomes apparent that you ought to ask him about it.
>But before you can, his fork and knife fly over to Cut’s plate and he deftly slices off a small portion of her pancake.
>Picking up the piece he cut, he immediately moves his fork and knife over to your plate.
>However, right as they reach it, he turns the fork on a dime and slams the slice into his own mouth instead.
>Which, after you notice he’s long since finished his pancake, brings all the pieces of the puzzle together.
>He was just scouting which of you he should steal from!
>Bah, typical stallion.
“*Tsk tsk*, I thought you were above being a /thief/, Anon,” you chide.
>A split second of something (relief?) flashes on his face before he falls into the expected smug defiance.
>”/I/ made this food, so /I/ reserve the right to help myself if I want!”


>You are Cut N. Paste, and you just observed something very odd.
>It /almost/ looked like Anon was about to give Pike a piece of your pancake, but changed his mind last minute.
>But why in Equestria would he do that? 
>That probably wasn’t what he was doing and you’re just overanalyzing it (as you’re one to do),  but considering what happened a few days ago, you can’t help but be a little concerned.
>Oh! That reminds you...
“Hey, Anon?”
>He turns to you.
>”Hm?”
“Is something bothering you?”
>He doesn’t immediately answer, but he doesn’t avoid eye contact either.
>”Why do you ask?”
>Great, now you’re tempted to just wave it off.
>You don’t want to make them worry about waking you up in the middle of the night.
>It’s just a stupid you problem, nothing they should have to worry about.
>But Anon did seem pretty distressed...
>No, you should say something.
“You seemed like you were having a pretty bad nightmare last night. You were tossing and turning.”
>He becomes visibly concerned and he cuts you off.
>”I didn’t wake you up did I?”
>Oh no, now he’s worried about you!
>This was supposed to be about him!
“I-It’s fine! I’ve actually been waking up an awful lot! It’s just ‘cause I’m not used to, y-ya know..”
>You’re unable to look Anon in the eye as your face burns with embarrassment.
>You know they won’t judge you, but the shame of admitting it persists regardless.
“Sleeping with other ponies in the same bed...”
>>”Oh!” cries Pike.
>Your head snaps over to look at her so fast that you miss Anon’s relieved sigh at the change in conversation.
>>”I have just the thing for that!”
>Hopping off her seat, she sails across the room over to one of the cabinets.
>Much to your surprise, she physically climbs into the cabinet, and you immediately start hearing the sounds of her rummaging around.
>After a few moments, you hear a muffled “Aha!” and she emerges with a tin in her mouth.
>Sailing overhead, she drops it in front of you before gliding back into her seat.
>Taking a look at what she dropped in front of you, you see it's a tea tin.
>On the front of it is a Thestral sleeping snugly under a half moon with the name “Comfy Nightshade” written above it.
>>”It's what we evening shifters use to adjust our sleeping schedules, should help you sleep through the night.”
>Oh wow, this sounds like just what you needed!
>Curiosity driving you, you flip over the tin to check the ingredients.
>Poppy, valerian, passionflower, lavender, and... NIGHTSHADE!?
>That last one nearly makes your eyes bug out of your head.
>>”Yeah, I was just about to say that you should probably only steep it for half as long as it recommends. If you were a Thestral I’d say do the whole five minutes, but you won’t have the nightshade tolerance we do.”
>You’ll probably start with even less than that if you’re being honest.
>On the plus side though, if this doesn’t help you sleep through the night, nothing will!
“Thanks, Pike!”
>>”Of course,” she replies, “And let me know when you run out. Only a few mares in my detachment still use it, but we still get two dozen tins of the stuff every month. We’ve grown quite a stockpile.”
>Phew, wow, that’s a load off your shoulders!
>You’ll be able to sleep much easier no- hey wait a minute!
>This has completely got off track.
>Turning back to Anon, you decide to put your metaphorical hoof down.
“Anon, you didn’t answer my question.”
>”Oh?” he says to you with a start, “Ahh, yeah I guess I didn’t.”
>Looking you right in the eyes, he answers.
>”It was just a dumb nightmare, don’t worry about me, I’m fine.”
>To any other pony, that would have been enough.
>He spoke his words evenly and didn’t dodge your gaze.
>Making it seem like on the surface, he’s completely fine.
>But not to you.
>As you look into his eyes, you see the eyes you’ve seen on yourself many times before.
>The eyes of a pony who, despite what they may tell others or even themselves, is not fine.


>You are still the concerned and mildly frustrated Cut N. Paste.
>You kept pushing Anon at breakfast, but you could only ask “are you sure?” so many times before you felt like you were starting to sound like a lunatic.
>So, much to your chagrin, you let the issue lie.
>You’ve committed yourself to being on high alert though, watching Anon for any more signs of unwellness.
>Unfortunately, you were so preoccupied with that that you neglected to grab your lunch out of the icebox when you and Anon left for work.
>Obviously that meant you had to go back to your apartment on your lunch break in order to grab it.
>Upon arriving there, however, you were pleasantly surprised to find Pike was home.
>She appears to be in the middle of cooking something, although why she’s doing that instead of guarding the castle, you’ve got no idea.
>You’re not going to complain though.
>After all, this provides you with the perfect opportunity to get her input about this morning.
>”Hey Cut,” she says the moment you step into the room.
>She didn’t even need to turn around to know it was you!
>Probably her Thestral hearing.
>”Forget your lunch?”
>Trotting over to the icebox, you pop the lip open to see your lunchbox right where you expected it to be.
“Yeah...” you answer sheepishly.
>Pike shrugs as she throws something into the mixing bowl she’s working with.
>”It happens.”
>Grabbing your box out of the box, you decide to indulge your curiosity and trot over to Pike in an attempt to see what she’s making.
>As you get close though, she moves the bowl behind her in an attempt to conceal it.
>Considering her size, it’d be pretty easy for you to just lean over her to look at it, but you decide to humor her.
>”Ah ah ah!” she chides, “This is meant to be a surprise, for both you and Anon!”
>You probably could have guessed, but the confirmation is nice regardless.
>You let out a little “ooooh” and nod your head, which Pike takes as a sign she can resume her work without you peeking.
>”We’re running night drills tonight so I had the afternoon off. I figured I’d leave you and Anon with a little something since you probably won’t see me ‘till tomorrow.”
>Aw, how sweet of her!
>To think your initial impression of her would be so far from the truth!
>Speaking of Anon though...
“By the way, did something seem /off/ about Anon this morning?”
>She chuckles a bit, which makes your face burn.
>She picks up on that and gives you a gentle punch to the shoulder.
>”Oh don’t be like that. He said he was fine like, what, six or seven times? You’ve got to admit that /still/ being worried after that seems a little silly.”
>You instinctively rub the spot where she bopped you.
“I know, I know it’s just... I can’t shake the feeling. The way he looked at me, a-and the thing with the pancake I—”
>”Cut, Cut, Cut,” she says, cutting you off.
>Turning away from the bowl once more she reaches up her hoof to put it on your shoulder.
>”Here is a prime opportunity for a lesson in mareliness.”
>Oh?
>Seeing no objection from you, she continues.
>”When dealing with mares, you don’t need to analyse their every word and action. Unlike stallions, they’re upfront with their problems. Something all mares should be.”
>Pulling her hoof off your shoulder, she gets back to work.
“That’s a /huuuuge/ perk of dating Anon. He’s like a mare in many ways, including, if he has a problem he’s almost always upfront with it.”
>What she’s saying makes sense, but you just can’t let go of that niggling feeling.
>Feeling or not, however, she’s probably right.
>Maybe you should just—
>”But if you’re really certain something’s up, keep on keeping an eye out. And, if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll keep an eye out too. Don’t go searching for problems that aren’t necessarily there though.”
>Phew, alright, /that/ actually does make you feel better.
>If she’s looking for it too and still doesn’t see anything, then you can be sure you’re just overanalyzing.
“Alright,” you say with a nod.
>”Great! Now if you wouldn’t mind, could you pass me the baking chocolate? It's on the high shelf and... well...”


>You are the dead tired Nocturnal Pike.
>You consider yourself a mare of peak physicality, but even so, dragging yourself up the stairs right now is a challenge.
>Luna, it must be five AM!
>Ugh, no matter how perverse it feels, the fact is your sleeping schedule isn’t built for you to stay up so early.
[spoiler]>Sorry, Princess.[/spoiler]
>You can’t wait to get back to your bed and pass ou—
>In an instant, the fatigue you were feeling is replaced by pure adrenaline.
>You’re close to your apartment now, close enough that you can hear somepony shuffling about inside.
>There’s no reason for Cut or Anon to be up at this hour, which leaves one very troubling possibility.
>Taking flight, you silently drift over to the door of your apartment and prepare for the worst.
>Silently turning the door handle, you’re surprised to find that the door’s still locked.
>Maybe it is Cut or Anon then, but why in Equestria would one of them be up?
>Oh, actually, now that you think about it, it's probably Cut. 
>Guess the tea wasn’t strong enough after only steeping it for two and a half minutes.
>Letting yourself touch down and letting out a sigh of relief, you unlock the door and enter without fear.
>Only to see the opposite pony you were expecting.
“Anon!?”
>Stars above what is he doing!?
>He’s practically asleep on his hooves, his bleary eyed form shuffling like a zombie as he leans into a broom that was apparently the source of the sound you heard earlier.
>The stallion’s so out of it that he doesn’t even immediately acknowledge that you addressed him!
>His head drags itself up to look at you like it’s a bag of sand, and it takes several seconds of visible effort for his tired eyes to focus on you.
>When he finally does though, a wave of relief washes over him.
>”Oh tha- *Ahem* Welcome home, honey!”
>Still in a state of minor shock, you walk over to him.
“Anon, what are you still doing up!?”
>He’s unable to answer, reduced to confusedly looking around the room for some sort of clue.
>”I was... I was uhhhhh...”
>Eventually though, his eyes fall upon the broom he’s leaned against.
>”Oh! Right, I was sweeping! I thought the apartment was overdue for a sweep and just lost track of time! Silly old me!”
>Oh Luna, Cut was absolutely right.
>How did you not see this!?
“Anon, what’s bothering you?”
>”Wha- Nothing! I just got swept up in the fever of cleaning!”
>Oh that is /such/ a lie.
>Does he really think you’d fall for that?
“You didn’t really think I’d belie—”
>”Oh, speaking of time, it’s time for bed!”
>Any further protests you had were immediately and totally eclipsed by what Anon does next.
>He picks you up.
“EEEEE! ANON YOU KNOW I HATE BEING MAREHANDLED PUT ME DOWN!”
>The absolute RAT doesn’t even acknowledge you, simply carrying you off like you’re his /hoofbag/!
>UNBELIEVABLE!
>”*Yawn* I don’t know about you but I am beat! I think I’ll be out the moment my head hits the pillow!”
>Violently thrashing around in his telekinetic grip, you can feel your frustration at being marehandled exponentially compound with your frustration at being unable to escape.
“PUT ME DOWN THIS INSTANT!”
>Surprisingly, your wish is granted.
>No sooner had you shouted that than you’re suddenly flung through the air landing smack dab next to Cut on the bed.
>Oh wow, she managed to sleep through all of that! Guess the tea did the trick.
>Just as you manage to regain your bearings after quite literally being tossed, you feel Anon hop into bed on the other side of you.
“Now Ano—”
>But your futile interjection is cut off by something quite unmarely being forced out of you by Anon immediately hug sandwiching you between himself and Cut.
“Eeep!”
>Without missing a beat, he pecks you on the forehead and closes his eyes.
>”Night, hon!”
>You squirm hoping to worm your way out, but you’re thoroughly stuck between the two of them.
“Come on, Anon!” you whine.
>It quickly becomes apparent however, that he /actually/ fell asleep the moment his head hit the pillow.
>Which, now that the cocktail of rage and adrenaline is departing your veins, you can sympathize with.
>You yawn, further fading as the time of night and all that struggling rapidly catches up to you.
>You /suppose/ that since he’s already asleep, you might as well put off bugging him until tomorrow.
>Plus, he’s going to need the sleep.
>Resigning yourself to procrastination, you settle in and drift away.
>You know, you’ve got to admit, being smooshed between Anon and Cut is very, VERY comfy...


>It is now the next morning, and you are the amazingly even more concerned Cut N. Paste.
>When you tried to wake up Anon this morning, you found he was in the exact shape you would’ve expected Pike to be in.
>Tired to the point of non-functionality.
>You ended up needing to assert yourself just a bit, by insisting that he stay home from work and get some rest.
>He briefly tried to fight it, but after nearly collapsing face first into his bowl of cereal, he acquiesced.
>You ended up staying behind too, in order to watch over him.
>You’re sure Aunt Jargon will understand.
>Both he and Pike are sleeping peacefully right now (Pike said she planned to give her mares the day off after all), while you sit in the living room, sorting some of your Cyber decks.
>Or you suppose they /were/ sleeping peacefully, considering you just heard somepony get out of bed.
>Craning your neck over your shoulder, you catch Pike emerging from the bedroom, looking as concerned as you feel.
>”He wasn’t up to going to work?”
>You can’t help but notice she doesn’t sound surprised.
“No,” you say as you shake your head, “Do you have any idea what happened?”
>She sighs, and you can see a bit of shame creep into her typically confident expression.
>”You were right is what happened.”
>You were!?
>Wow, you honestly kind of weren’t expecting to be proved right.
>However, any relief you feel is obviously overshadowed by one simple fact.
>You were right.
“What did he do?”
>Pike trots over to the couch, taking a seat next to you before answering.
>”I think he was waiting for me.”
>What, why?
>He saw the cake and note that Pike left for the two of you, so he knew she wouldn’t be getting back until the wee hours of the morning.
>Why the heck would he wait for her then?
>Your mind runs through a multitude of possible reasons, but nothing you come up with is really satisfactory.
“Why would he do that?”
>Pike shrugs, a solemn look on her face.
>”I don’t know. He tried to give me some horseapples about how he stayed up because ‘the apartment needed a sweep’.”
>If you cocked your eyebrow any higher, you’re pretty sure it would fly off your face.
“/Really?/”
>Pike scoffs, clearly having felt similar incredulity.
>”I know right?! Since when did he care about sweeping?”
>While you talk, your mind is still searching for a possible explanation.
“So you weren’t able to get the real answer out of him?”
>She crosses her hooves, grumbling.
>”I /tried/ to get him to spill it, but he picked me up! And he /knows/ how much I hate being marehandled!”
>She looks over her shoulder at the bedroom door, letting out a sigh.
>”I’m planning on pestering him about it again when he wakes up, but I get the feeling he’ll just wave it off again.”
>She’s probably right, considering the last time you asked him if something was wrong.
“What should we do then? Just try to puzzle out the problem and fix it ourselves?”
>Pike slumps her shoulders.
>”That could work, /if/ we can figure out what it is.”
>Good point, that’s much easier said than done.
>Scrunching your face in concentration, you try to figure out what it could be.
>Nothing’s happened at work, and nothing’s really happened here either...
>That is, except for his whimsey fit.
“Hey Pike?”
>She looks up from her own concentration towards you.
>”Yeah?”


>“You don’t think that the stuff that gave him his whimsy fit is still bothering him, do you?”
>You, Nocturnal Pike, don’t think that’s it.
>Back when you were young, whenever your Dad ever threw a fit about something, that was how your Mom pulled him out of it.
>Some kind words and a big old hug!
>But, Anon was pretty anxious about herding before, it's not impossible that some new anxiety has taken the place of the one you placated.
“Hm, I don’t think that’s it, but I think you’re on the right track.”
>The problem with that being, it means whatever’s eating him likely isn’t something you could fix without knowing the problem.
>You tap one of your hooves in an attempt to work out some of your mounting frustration.
>Aaarg!
>Why won’t he just tell you!?
>Maybe... maybe it's something he doesn’t want the two of you to worry about?
>Which of course, is causing you to do the opposite.
“If that’s the case though, we’ll just be playing a guessing game unless we can get him to tell us what it is.”
>Cut ‘hmmmms’ in agreement, before her face lights up.
>”I have an idea!”
>You nod, signaling her to continue.
>”If he’s still evasive when you ask him today, why don’t we try to catch him in the act?”
>That’s actually a pretty great idea.
>If /both/ of you confront him in the moment of doing something odd, he almost certainly won’t be able to worm his way out of that!
“That just might work! Did you have something in mind?”
>Cut beams under your praise, clearly extract to be positively contributing to the herd.
>”W-well I figure, if last night wasn’t just a complete coincidence, Anon will probably stay up late again if one of us isn’t home, right?”
“Makes sense.”
>“So how about I stay late at work a few days from now and we see what he does?”
>Putting your forehooves on Cut’s shoulders, you look her right in the eyes.
“Cut... that’s genius.”


>You are Cut N. Paste, and it looks like the plan will succeed.
>Honestly, you were a little worried that finding a reason to stay at the office so late would be hard, but turns out you needed the time to catch up from that day you missed.
>All it took then was finding the perfect day to spring your trap.
>Which was today, a few days later, for two major reasons.
>Firstly, so that he couldn’t use his late night as an excuse for staying up late.
>And secondly, so that you and Pike could continue to observe him.
>He’s never done something as outright unusual as staying up until five AM for no reason again, but occasionally you catch these small oddities.
>For example, you've noticed that now he'll never hug just one of you, always both.
>Whenever only one of you goes in for a hug, he'd hesitate, flinching until the other one joined in.
>He never makes it obvious, but being on the look out for it allowed you to consistently see it.
>This only served to embolden your shared quest for truth.
>To which, judging by the fact that as you draw closer to the apartment door you can hear somepony moving around, you believe the resolution is close at hoof.
>It's three-thirty AM, a time that even with your skewed sleep schedules it's odd to be awake at.
>Stopping in front of the door, you take a deep breath.
>Alright Cut, be ready.
>Sure Pike will be there too, but if you can't assert yourself, you won’t be much help at all.
>Deep breath in, deep breath out.
>Anon may be your prince, but you need to do this for his own good.
>Deep breath in, deep breath out.
>Alright, ready!
>Nerves sufficiently steeled, you face what’s on the other side of the front door head on!
>’What’s on the other side’ being Anon, washing dishes.
>He turns to you before you can call out to him, visibly relieved at the sight of you.
>”Ahh, welcome home!”
>Seeing no reason to waste time, you get right into it.
“Thanks, Anon, but what are you still doing up?”
>”Oh!” he says, glancing around nervously, “I was just doing some dishes!”
>Trottin closer to him unintentionally gave you a closer look at those dishes he was doing.
>A closer look that makes you realize: that’s the majority of the dishes in your cabinets.
>He wasn’t just washing the dishes the three of you used today, he was washing /all of them/.
>Steady your voice, Cut, speak with authority!
“Okay seriously, what's bothering you?”
>He attempts to scoff definitely, but it comes off as more of a resigned sigh.
>”Come on, why do you and Pike keep asking me that? I'm fine.”
>>”No you aren’t,” comes Pike’s voice from the bedroom.
>She quickly emerges, taking a position next to you.
>>”I just listened to you pull dishes out of the cupboard to wash for the past several hours. Now what’s wrong?”
>Anon, finally seeing there’s no way out, slumps his shoulders.
>”It’s just dumb,” he says under his breath.
>>”Obviously not if it's bothering you this much.”
>”But that’s the thing, it /shouldn’t/ be bothering this much,” comes the suddenly impassioned reply, “I mean, you both told me I didn’t need to worry about it and that you’d be there for me—”


>”—but I just can’t get over that stupid feeling that I need to give you equal... everything! Unless I want the herd to fall apart.”
>You are Nocturnal Pike, and you feel like the floor just fell out from under you.
>Cut was right, again.
>Those feelings that spawned his whimsey fit?
>They were never really placated to begin with.
>You failed.
>”And I know its dumb, that’s why I didn’t want you two to worry about it.”
>You feel like you’re about to keel over.
>How could you not have noticed? How did you miss this?
>You did what every mare would do in that situation, exactly what your Mom would have done!
>What an alpha is supposed to do!
[spoiler]>But that didn’t make it the right thing to do.[/spoiler]
>>”Anon,” chimes in Cut’s sad voice, “You should have just told us.”
>”But why?” he whines, exasperated, “It's not like either of you two can actually /do/ anything about it. It's just something I need to force myself to get over. All telling you is going to do is stress you out too.”
>While you attempt to crush the mounting feeling of panic, Cut walks over to put a reassuring hoof on Anon’s back.
>>”I thought the same thing about my sleeping problems, but Pike showed me that tea and now I’ve never slept better! You never know ponies until you ask.”
>Oh Luna, she’s even doing a better job of comforting him right now!
[spoiler]>This is what you get for allowing yourself to distance yourself from who you ought to be![/spoiler]
[spoiler]>You’ve allowed yourself to fall from mareliness and look where it's gotten you! You’re a failure of an alpha![/spoiler]
>You’ve got to do something, got to salvage this!
>Herds look to their alpha for guidance, you’ve got to come up with something!
>”I just don’t see what either of you could do.”
“A SCHEDULE!” you blurt out, a little more desperately than you intended.
>The two of them just look confused, unaware of your distress thanks to your mastery of your poker face.
>”How so?”
>Okay Pike, you’ve brought back, now get yourself under control!
“*Ahem* What if we set aside certain days to focus on specific ponies? Like, say Tuesdays are Cut’s day. That day you set aside to do something with her, and another day you’ll set aside to do something specifically with me.”
>>”Right right!” Cut chimes in, “And then we can have a third day we set aside for all three of us to always do something together.”
>Phew, alright, you’re not a complete failure after all.
>Your body wants to sag in relief, but you keep your posture rigid, commanding even.
>”That... honestly might help.”
>>”See?” she says to Anon before turning to you, “That’s why you’re the alpha, Pike. You always know what to do.”
[spoiler]>For now.[/spoiler]
>Quiet, thoughts!
>This is about Anon!
“Will it help enough that you won’t be staying up until three-thirty if one of us comes home late?”
>He grimaces, which was not the reaction you were hoping for.
>”I dunno, maybe?”
>Looking down at his hooves, he sighs as he starts to shuffle them.
>”I mean, it's not like I wanted to stay up so late, but that night Pike wasn’t home...”
>As he recounts it, his expression grows more and more pained.
>”...I kept having these thoughts. ‘Look at you, you piece of shit. About to sleep easy while Pike’s not even there. How’s she going to feel when she comes home and sees you snuggling against Cut and not her? Replaced is how she’ll feel’.”
>That’s... rather dark.
>No wonder he chose to sweep for hours and hours instead.
>”That’s why I didn’t even bother trying to go to sleep tonight. I knew I’d be haunted until Cut got home, so I figured I might as well make use of that time.”
>That fits with what you experienced
>Earlier he said that he’d ‘join you shortly’ but he never joined you at all.
>Lifting his head, but keeping it bowed, he addresses both you and Cut.
>”And, again, I know that’s irrational, but it’s just that same thing that had me spazzing out a few days ago. I don't know how to make sure that I’m loving you both equally, or how to make sure you know I love you both equally. So instead my subconscious just obsesses over making everything equal.”
>Finally rising to his full height, he looks out over both your heads.
>”But this scheduled days idea... I think it’s a start.”
>You and Cut need only share a look to know you both had the same idea for this exact moment.
>Rushing him, the both of you wrap him in a big hug, one that draws a heaving sigh of relief out of him.
>You know, you just had a great idea for a one liner.
“I’m glad to hear that, Anon. But I think our real start should probably be going the buck to bed.”


>While it sounded cool in the moment, and got a laugh out of both Cut and Anon, it wasn’t quite accurate.
>Anon wanted to take a warm shower to calm his nerves, and Cut needed to brew her tea.
>Which left you with a brief time to reflect, and think.
>Sitting on the couch and staring at your hooves, you ponder your failure.
>The sound of the shower directs your thoughts to Anon, your stallion.
>You stallion who’s fears you inexcusably failed to calm.
>Your mother always taught you the only thing that could erase a stallion’s whimsical fears, was the grasp of a strong mare.
>Did you fail because you’re not truly a strong mare anymore?
>Has your indulgence in this part of you, rendered you a failure!?
>”Hey.”
>Surprised, you look up from your hooves to see Cut, having left her vigil at the teapot to join your side.
>Placing her hoof on your shoulder, you can tell she’s trying to channel that same energy she was earlier.
>”So uh, what’s bothering you?”
>Your first instinct is to tell her it's nothing and to wave her off, but you realize that’d be pretty stupid considering the night’s events.
>Despite the cocktail of despair, you manage to keep your voice even.
“I just can’t believe I failed.”
>Cut looks deeply shocked, and somewhat offended, by your assertion.
>”What do you mean you failed?”
>You resist the urge to slam your hoof on the coffee table.
”I mean I failed, dang it! How didn’t I see it? How could I have been so wrong?!”
>”That’s just it, you weren’t wrong.”
>You give her a look of pure incredulity.
>How were you not wrong!?
>Cut, clearly reading the question on your face, continues.
>”You said Anon acts like a mare, and you were right. Isn’t it all too common for mares to bottle up their emotions so as to not burden others?”
>She... she’s completely right.
>That was one of the lessons your Mom sought to hammer into your head, ever since you were a filly.
>A marely mare keeps her emotions to herself.
>”So I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it. Since after all...”
>At this point, you're a little ashamed to admit it, you tuned her out. 
>Only because your mind found something far more troubling to focus on.
>Your Mom always said stallions not adhering to that principle was a source of problems for all mares.
>But here... Anon, a stallion, was adhering to that principal, but all it was doing was making him miserable and making you and Cut worry.
>Does that mean...
>Suddenly several memories surface in your mind.
>When you were young, your parents used to fight a lot, especially after Dad had any sort of whimsy fit.
>Your Mom always told you it was because your Dad was especially catty, and you took her at her word and didn’t think much of it.
>Looking back on it now though, the parallels between those fights and your situation are uncanny.
>Both you and your Mom presumed the situations resolved, only to find they weren’t at all.
>Maybe the reason what you did with Anon didn’t work, had nothing to do with you not being marely enough.
>Maybe the advice itself was just manure!
>But if that was folly, and the lesson that mares should keep emotions to themselves didn’t actually make anything better, how much more of what your mom told you was bunk!?
>How much more of this standard that you’ve based your life, your sense of self, even your leadership style around... was stupid!?
>*Phwwwwwwwwwwwht!*
>”Oh, that the teapot!”
>The whistle of the teapot and Cut’s voice grabs you by the scruff of your neck and yanks you out of your spiral.
>You feel bad that you missed the entirety of what she was saying, but at the same time, you feel like you’ve realized something important.
>Something you should really keep thinking about, no matter how much you want to put it off.
[spoiler]>Because that's just what you've been doing, bottling it up and putting it off.[/spoiler]
[spoiler]>Is that really any different than Anon?[/spoiler]
“Hey, can you pour me a cup too?”



>You are Nocturnal Pike, and the evening is late.
>It was a fairly unassuming work day, which you gathered from Cut and Anon as well.
>You are currently relaxing in the living room, basking in the heat provided by the building boiler as the wind whips outside and as Anon and Cut dive into tonight’s activity.
>Which is, Cut teaching, or you suppose reteaching, Anon how to play Cyber: The Assembly.
>Something you have absolutely no interest in participating in.
>And you know what? That’s ok!
>By the schedule the three of you worked out, tonight is Cut’s night, so she gets to pick the activity.
>A schedule that you’re pleased to report seems to be helping Anon quite a bit.
>Every so often you’ll still catch him looking at you while kissing Cut or vice versa, but he’s getting better about cutting back on weird things like that.
>So even if you’re just going to be sitting here all evening watching them nerd out, you're content.
>Plus watching the poor mare have to physically restrain herself from wiping the floor with him has been pretty funny.
>”Aha!” she cries after seeing Anon’s latest move.
>Reaching into her hoof, she dramatically pulls out a card and moves to play it on the table.
>”In that case, I tap all of my factories and play—!”
>Only to stop herself moments before she actually puts the card on the table.
>”Actually on second thought haha, I’m just going to attack with my Terminator!”
>You can /feel/ Anon roll his eyes as she awkwardly slides the card back into her hoof.
>>”Play the card, Cut.”
>”No-no, that’s okay! I’ll just... not do that.”
>It's obvious she’s trying to give Anon an out, but Anon’s will is unwavering.
>”I told you not to hold back on me. Play. The. Card.”
>She sighs, pulling the same card out of her hoof again.
>This time when she places it, she does so with resignation rather than triumph.
>”I play Seamless Merger and win the game.”
>A beat of silence passes through the room as you and Anon process what she just said.
>Needless to say, the twin reactions are night and day.
>”WHAT!?”
“Hahahahahaha!”
>Doubled over in a deep belly laugh, you nearly fall off the couch.
“Well, Anon, hahahahahaaaa, you told her not to hold back!”
>Picking his jaw off the floor, he snatches the card off the table.
>>”Let me see that!”
>You can feel the tears of mirth in your eyes as he pulls the card up to his face to scrutinize it.
>>”You win the game if you control a factory of each basic type and a construct of each color,” he reads aloud.
>Peeking over the card, he takes stock of Cut’s side of the table.
>>”Let’s see, white, black, red, blue... Aha! You’re missing a gre- wait no, you’ve got a green. Dang!”
>Tossing the card back onto the table, he crosses his forehooves with a harrumph.
>”That is one /mean/ card. How would I have even beaten that?”
>Reaching across the board, Cut taps her hoof on one of Anon’s cards.
>”Well this one has provoke. So, you could have provoked my A-mare-zon Delivery Truck for an easy kill, and then I wouldn’t have had a green creature. Destroying it would have even given your card two +1/1s!”
>Anon, keeping his arms crossed, leans over to inspect the card himself.
>You can tell it's exactly as she says though, because as soon as he gets an eyeful of the card, he drops his hooves back to his side.
>Realizing he truly got outplayed, he sighs with a smile on his face.
>>”Well darn, I completely forgot about that.”
>Now it's his turn to chuckle, just as your giggles were starting to subside.
>>”Haha, maaaaan, I suck.”
>Turning toward you, he gently pushes you back from the edge of the couch.
“Sure you don’t want to play with us, Pike? It’d be nice to have somepony else to take some of the heat.”
>Laughter subsiding, you’re finally able to once again sit up straight.
>As you do, you decide to humor him, and you reach out over the table to grab the now infamous card for yourself.
>Your eye is immediately drawn to the artwork at the top: three badass robots hoisting the flag of victory.
>Sweet.
>If that’s what this game is about, maybe you /could/ get into it.
>But just as you were starting to be convinced, you notice the large text box below it.
>Words, words, words, rules, rules, rules, blah, blah, blah.
>Yeah, nah.
“No thanks, this is a little /too/ much nerd for my blood.”
>Tossing the card back over to Cut, she deftly catches it and seamlessly slides it back into the deck she’s shuffling.
>Oooo, very nice!
“The art’s pretty cool though.”
>Anon chuckles at your assertion, before hopping off the couch and trotting over to the box where Cut keeps the rest of her decks.
>>”Alright, Cut...”


“...What deck should I pick if I want to win?”
>You are Anonymous the unicorn, and you remember Magic a lot worse than you thought you did.
>Or, Cyber, you guess.
>Sure you didn’t really play that much, but you thought you’d at least remember the basics!
>You figured you’d consistently lose to Cut too, but this is just getting embarrassing.
>”I saw one with a spaceship on the box earlier, you should use that one!” says Pike.
>Her interjection puts a smile on your face.
>For a moment there you thought she was going to bounce the moment Cut pulled out the Mag- /Cyber/ cards, but you’re glad she didn’t.
>Honestly, it still stresses you out a little when you spend time with just one of them.
>But that is the point of these scheduled days, to help settle your fears with the power of math.
>You have been feeling less like an asshole for snuggling up to one when the other isn’t around, so you’d say that’s a sign it's working, at least.
>Hey enough about your problems, brain, today’s supposed to be about Cut!
>Who still hasn’t answered your question.
>>”Hmmm, the megacorp galactic destiny deck? It would compliment his playstyle of just throwing constructs at me,” she says to herself.
>Ah, knowing Cut, it looks like if you don’t choose for her she’ll be considering the logistics for the next twenty minutes.
>But it's not like you know what any of these decks can do, how are /you/ supposed to choose?
>Oh wait, there is one deck that you know how to work!
“Hey! How about you let me use the deck with that insta-win card, and I’ll pick a deck at random for you to use! That should even the odds a bit.”
>That, predictably, snaps Cut out of her thinking with a start.
>>”Ahh! A-actually that would probably work. I haven’t used some of those decks in a long time.”
>Perfect!
>Reaching into the box, you dig through it to find whichever deck is buried at the absolute bottom of the stack.
>Deeper... deeper...
>Ooo! This one’s box is covered in dust, excellent!
>Pulling the deck out triumphantly, you present it to Cut.
“Here you go, babe.”
>She turns quite a delightful shade of red at the pet name, but she tries to remain stoic to preserve some of her (little) marely pride.
>>”*Ahem* Th-thank you! Uh... sweetie!”
>Grabbing the deck out of your magic, she puts the one she just used in its place.
>Which allows her to actually get a good look at it.
>>”Woah, wait, is this my third generation blue-red control deck? I haven’t used this in years! I thought I lost it,” she says with a look of wonder on her face.
>Jackpot!
>Sounds like your ship has finally come in.
>Victory here you come!

>>”And that brings your life total to zero; I win.”
>It's taking everything you’ve got not to slam your face into the table.
>The universe practically handed you victory on a silver platter and you still blew it.
>Cut still has ten life! Ten!
>Jesus this mare is good.
>Speaking of, she’s already rushing to soften the blow as she awkwardly adjusts her glasses.
>>”B-but you did really well this time! You’re getting the hang of it.”
>You suppose she’s right, but that really doesn’t make you feel a whole lot better.
>Fuck, your pride is screaming at you for what you’re about to say, but at some point a man’s got to admit he’s beat.
“Alright, babe, I think I’m going to have to go back on my word and ask you to go easy on me.”
>You can hear Pike smirk into her hoof at that, which is fair.
>>”Oh? You sure?”
>You sigh once more.
>You /hate/ people going easy on you, but at this point it's obvious that the skill gap is just too great.
>If she doesn’t the rest of the night is just going to be you getting your ass kicked.
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
>You start gathering your cards again, opting to stick with the deck you’ve done the best with so far.
“Be honest though; how many tournaments have you won?”
>As you start shuffling, you were expecting something along the lines of a bashful Cut giving you an answer in the high teens.
>But that’s not what you get.
>Instead she glumly hangs her head as she sets her deck down.
>>”None.”
>You’re so surprised by the answer you nearly drop the deck you were shuffling, you magic only barely catching it at the last moment.
>How can that be?!
>”Really?” comes the suddenly interested voice from your side, “So what you’re telling me is Anon is just complete manure at this card game?”
>What!? No you’re not! You’re alright! 
>You think.
>>”No, no he’s not,” says Cut.
>Phew!
>>”I mean, I’ve been cleaning house at the friendly games Silken runs every so often, but I’ve never actually won any /real/ tournaments.”
>Setting your own deck down, but seeing how Cut has yet to draw from hers, you refrain from pulling from it.
“Geez, must be some stiff competition.”
>Cut laughs out loud, although the laugh sounds more angry than anything.
>>”You kidding? Those stupid bitches don’t know their aggros from their controls!”
>You hardly know the difference between those things yourself!
>So what, they’re on your level then?
>”What’s uh, stopping you from stomping them, then?”
>Cut’s entire body droops, her eyes shifting to look out the window.
>She mumbles something, quietly enough that you can’t hear it.
“Say that again?”
>Cut sighs in exasperation, before speaking at a level you can hear.
>>”It's ‘cause they always make fun of me...”
>Oh.
>Oooooooooh.
“So it's /that/ kind of tournament.”
>She nods.
>>”Yeah, it's that kind of tournament.”
>You completely understand, then.
>God knows there’s a lot of ammo they could use against poor Cut.
>”Hold on, I’m out of the loop here,” chimes in Pike, “/What/ kind of tournament?”
>You put your hoof on your chin, ‘hmmm’ing.
>How do you put this in a way she can comprehend...
>Aha!
“You gu- *ahem* gals trash talk each other at the guard hoofball tournaments, right?”
>She quirks her brow.
>”Yeah?”
>Perfect.
“But there are lines you wouldn’t cross, right?”
>She’s nodding along now.
>”Of course. If you’re too much of a flankhole you get ejected from the game.”
“Now imagine if that wasn’t the case, and all the ponies competing were a bunch of bitter bitches.”
>Pike stops nodding, realization dawning on her face.
>”Oh, oooooooooooh!”
>The more she dwells on it however, the more disgust appears on her face.
>”/Oh/. That’s... that’s terrible. Over a card game? Stars above.”
>Her exclamation leaves the mood far more somber than it was before.
>Which is to be expected, the idea of dealing with ponies like that would put a damper on anyone’s mood.
>So you’ve got to do something to bring the mood back up, and stat!
>What better way to do that than to shit on people who deserve it.
“That’s why they call them, uhhh... marefoals, I guess.”


>You are Nocturnal Pike, and you get why Cut doesn’t go to tournaments now.
>A mare of her emotional constitution? There’s no way she could take that kind of abuse.
>However, there is one thing you don’t understand, and that is what Anon just said.
“That’s why they’re called what now?”
>You were hoping it was some nerd thing, but a sideways glance at Cut sinks that theory.
>She’s just as confused as you!
>”You know! Marefillies...?” he unhelpfully clarifies.
>You and Cut both shake your heads.
>While you do, you’re internally running through your internal “Anon to pony” dictionary, hoping that might shed some light.
>Hmmmmm, well mare means man, and foal usually means kid.
>Mankid?
>That doesn’t help at all.
>Although, you’ve got to hoof it to him, if he was just saying nonsense to help lift the mood, it seems to be working.
>>”Marefoal as in a mare that acts like a filly?”
>His face lights up, Cut clearly hitting the nail on the head.
>”Exactly! Back home we had a special term for people like that. I hoped it would directly translate.”
>Oh! Now you know what he’s trying to say.
“The world you’re looking for is ‘yearling,’ Anon.”
>He balks a bit, surprised.
>”What, like the author? Pffft, fuck off, you do not call them that!”
>His reaction was just extreme enough to banish the last of that somber mood, and leave you and Cut in stitches.
>Which, of course, means he definitely doesn’t believe you now.
>”Oh you two are /so/ messing with me!”
>>”We’re not!” cries Cut between guffaws, “It's true! They’re a bunch of stuck up /yearlings/!”
>He crosses his hooves and pouts, his every word dripping with indignation despite the ghost of a smile on his lips.
>”Oh yeah, what came first then? The author or the word?”
>Which of course just makes you and Cut laugh harder.
“The word! Who do you think buys all her books!?”
>Anon’s ire is instantly shattered as the same mirth that’s possessed you and Cut possesses him.
>”Ha! Oh God, her parents must have /hated/ her. Imagine naming your kid Manchild!”
>Cut, having calmed down enough to speak, wipes a tear from her eye.
>>”Well, it's probably a pen name.”
>Anon snorts, in a very unlordlike way.
>”So what, she just hates her fans?”
>That nearly sends Cut into another laughing fit.
>>”Have you ever /been/ to a Daring Do convention?”
>Her gaze swivels between Anon and you, clearly expecting the two of you to chime in with your own experiences.
>But you and Anon just shake your heads.
>Honestly, what did she expect?
>>”W-well they can get pretty bad,” she awkwardly amends.
>Hoping to throw her a bone, you decide to chime in with the only Daring Do convention related story you have.
“I did have to break up a bar fight after one a couple years ago, if that counts.”
>You barely notice it as she suddenly stiffens.
>>”It... wasn’t at the Salty Spitoon, was it?”
>Oh hey, you’d forgotten the name of the bar it happened at!
“It was! About five years ago, back when I was just a lowly patrolmare.”
>For the briefest of moments Cut fur stands on end and she starts fidgeting with her hooves.
>Odd, you wonder why.
“Astral and I were expecting an easy patrol, despite what we heard was in town, but filly were we wrong!”
>You remember the moment in perfect clarity.
>You’d just got done ranting about how it was stupid for the two of you to even be patrolling that night, when suddenly a chair comes flying out the window of the bar.
“By the time we were on the scene, that whole bar was at each other’s throats!”
>Thinking back to the mental image, you can’t help but start laughing.
>After all...
“The best part is, every single one of them was still in costume!”
>The image makes Anon start laughing along, however Cut just nervously titters.
>What could be bothering her?
>>”Do you happen to... remember why the fight started?”
>Ooo oo! That part’s great too!
“It was all over one of the villains! The stallion! Oh what was his name...”
>>”Caballeron?” she adds with what almost seems to be mounting horror.
“That’s it! They were fighting over him!”
>According to the witnesses after the fact, some mare was claiming that he just needed a guiding hoof to set him straight, and another questioned whether or not the former had even read the books.
>Then the punches started flying.
“I almost couldn’t believe it was all over some stallion. A /fictional/ stallion.”
>Aw mare, the mileage you’ve gotten out of that story.
>Say, Cut’s obviously no stranger to Daring Do conventions, maybe she was there?
>Heck, maybe she even knows the mare that supposedly threw the first punch!
>You never did find her.
>...come to think of it, Cut’s build /is/ pretty similar to how witnesses described that mare...
>And Cut herself is looking awfully nervous for some reason.
>>”See what I mean, those yearlings can get a-awfully awful about things.”
>Is she...?
>Nah, you’re just imagining things.
>>”Anyway, so yeah. That’s why the tournament sucks,” Cut concludes.
>Anon leans over the table, focusing once again on Cut.
>”About that,” he cuts in, “It's not like there’s not a bunch of board game shops in town. Why don’t one of those just make a new tournament if this one’s so bad?”
>Cut, clearly relieved, playfully rolls her eyes.
>>”Celestia, I wish! The Board Game Barn cut some kinda deal with the company that makes Cyber though.”
>Oh Luna, it's there?!
>Just thinking about that place makes you (and Anon, considering the sound he just made) gag.
>”*Blech* It's /there/? Jesus, no wonder it's crap. Well now you’ve gotta go back!”


>You are Cut N. Paste, and... huh!?
>You just got done telling Anon about how horrible the ponies that enter that tournament are!
>Why would he suggest you /go back/?!
>>”I’m not following,” says Pike, mirroring your own thoughts.
>He just perplexingly points to himself and Pike.
>”Isn’t it obvious?”
>He sounds far more incredulous than he has any right to be.
>He holds his hooves there for a moment, waiting for you or Pike to pick up on what he was implying.
>After several seconds of the two of you not making whatever connection he wants you to though, he lets them drop.
>”Okay, okay, think about it like this: how would they try to make fun of you?”
>Out of habit, you look down at your hooves.
>Don’t bite them, Cut! Pike had them done for a reason!
“Th-they’d probably tell me I’m fat, make f-fun of my teats...”
>”No, no, no, that’s not what I mean,” Anon cuts you off, “Why would they bring those up? What would they use those things to say?”
>Well probably that you’d never get a—
>Oh, OH!
“They’d say I’d never get a coltfriend!”
>He does an odd motion with one of his spectral hands, making a “snap” sound.
>”Exactly! And what do you have?”
>>”A herd!” excitedly adds Pike, “Anon that’s genius! There’s no way those maladjusts have had as much as a date to their name, so anything they’d try to use at Cut would just be nocking a bow with an empty quiver!”
>Suddenly it makes sense!
>You’re imagining your opponent telling you that you’ll die alone, only for Anon to strut up and kiss you on the lips.
>The looks on their faces would be priceless!
>Best of all, you doubt many of them could even beat you in a fair game!
>All they use are cheap meta decks, which you could easily counter...
>Pike and Anon clearly share your newfound enthusiasm, they’re both excitedly discussing the best ways to torture the tournament goers.
>Which, you admit, sounds pretty dang fun.
>However, the fact is...
“I-I still don’t know if I really want to do that.”
>They both stop in their tracks.
>”...Yeah, I can see it.”
>>”What!?,” Pike interjects, rapidly looking between you and Anon, “Why not!?”
“W-well...”
>You quickly stop yourself, taking a deep breath to steel your nerves.
“*Ahem* I’d still have to /be/ there and have those ponies say those things to me.”
>Pike deflates, understanding.
>>”Darn.”
>She scrunches her face, clearly trying to puzzle something out.
>>”...Even if Anon and I were there the whole time?”
>Well, sure, that would make it much better, but you wouldn’t make them do that.
>These tournaments can go all night!
>Almost all they’d be doing would be just waiting around the whole time.
“I don’t want the two of you to waste your day just so I could win some dumb tournament.”
>Anon claps his hooves, making you flinch just a bit.
>”Nonsense! Spending an evening messing with these gals would hardly be a waste!”
>>”And,” says Pike, her face turning mischievous, “It can all serve a higher purpose!”
>Hopping off the couch, she struts over to you and puts her hoof on your shoulder.
>>”Cut, a mare must be assertive and stand up for herself. You can’t just let any old hater get you down.”
>”I see where you’re going hon, and you’re absolutely right,” says Anon as he too leaves his seat.
>Circling around to the other side of you, he puts his hoof on your other shoulder. 
>The two of them lean in toward you.
>”I cannot think of a better place you could work on asserting yourself, than shitting on a bunch of bitter losers.”
>...
>You know what?
>They’re right!
>There’s nothing to be afraid of!
>Sure, you’ll probably hear a lot of horrible things.
>But... but! You /do/ need to work on not taking those things to heart!
>You’ve got a successful career, and not one, but /two/ relationships that are looking very bright, after all!
>Outwardly, by all accounts of maredom, you’re a successful member of society!
>Something that almost certainly cannot be said for the ponies of the Board Game Barn.
>Ponies who somepony desperately needs to teach a lesson.
>You smile evilly, an expression Pike and Anon immediately mirror.
“Let’s do it.”